


I'll Be Good

by LaurenEP18



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety Attacks, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Hate Crimes, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Lack of Communication, M/M, Minor Original Character(s), Mutual Pining, Original Character Death(s), Past Suicide Attempt, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Protective Steve Rogers, Survivor Guilt, Triggers, fake relationship turns real, keeping secrets
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-12
Updated: 2017-03-14
Packaged: 2018-04-04 02:05:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 12,947
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4122067
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LaurenEP18/pseuds/LaurenEP18
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky is a very private person, which doesn't bode well when he's convinced into joining his nosy family for the entire winter break.  When he tells his Mom that he's bringing Steve with him, his parents had already come to the conclusion that he and Steve were dating and he's not able to convince them otherwise.  He's in a seriously messed up situation with his totally straight crush now and he's in way over his head...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_I thought I saw the Devil this morning_   
_Looking in the mirror, drop of rum on my tongue_   
_With a warning_   
_To help me see myself clearer_

=================================================================

“You know I don’t feel comfortable coming back home, Ma.” Bucky repeated semi-patiently into the phone as he paced his apartment.

Christmas break was coming up and Bucky had been planning on staying on campus just to avoid going back home. Don’t get him wrong, he loved his family… but they were too intense when it came to weaseling out any and all things he has done, will do, or even plans on doing. 

If Bucky valued anything, he valued privacy – which was of absolutely no concern to his nosy Mom and Dad. What made it worse was the fact that he held onto so many secrets, he had to be on constant guard whenever he was around his family, which was damn near impossibly exhausting.

He flinched slightly when Natasha wisped past him. Bucky didn’t think he’d ever get used to the way she stealthily made her way around.

“James, you haven’t come home for two years.” He could hear the hurt in her tone, but he’d set his resolve and he couldn’t buckle, “I don’t care if you come alone or if you bring a boyfriend, girlfriend, guinea pig, anything. I just want my son to be home with his family on Christmas.”

Damn it. It was almost as if he could see his hardened resolve disintegrating into sand through his fingers, “Ma-“ He was looking for an excuse. Any valid excuse to get him out of this situation, “Okay, I’ll be there.” Well, that certainly wasn’t what he’d meant to say.

His Mother’s excited squeal on the other line burst through, “George! He’s going to come for Christmas break!” She yelled to his Father, “Oh, honey, I can’t tell you how happy that makes me. You can bring as many guests as you like. Even if they are all guinea pigs.”

Bucky smiled despite himself, “Alright, Mom.” He conceded, running his fingers back through his hair, “I’ve gotta go. School stuff.”

“I’ll see you soon.”

Hanging up the phone felt like defeat. Everything that he’d said he’d accomplish with this phone call had failed miserably. 

Now he was doomed to his fate… but maybe he wouldn’t have to be alone.

Bucky swerved around, seeing Natasha sitting at the kitchen table pulling apart a croissant with her fingers, “Hey, Tash-“

“You know good and well I’m going to visit family in Russia for the break.” She spared him a sympathetic smile that turned wicked a moment later, “Why not ask Steve if he wants to join you?” Bucky fixed her with a glare. She knew that Bucky had a not-so-secret crush on Steve Rogers. “He never leaves on break.”

Bucky huffed, stalking over to try to snatch her pastry, but of course he wasn’t fast enough for Natasha’s cat-like reflexes, “One day.” He warned, eyeing her plate before heading back to his room.

He flopped back onto his bed, staring at the crack in the ceiling that he hoped wasn’t getting bigger.

How weird would it be to invite Steve to come home with him over the vacation? Sure, they’ve been pretty good friends since freshman year, but he wouldn’t go so far as to say they’d be able spend an entire three weeks together nonstop.

Not to mention how random it would be for Bucky to just invite-

Bucky’s phone dinged with a new message from none other than Steve Rogers. He swiped the screen to unlock it and read the text.

_So… just got a weirdly cryptic text from Nat telling me that I needed to talk to you about what OUR plans are for X-Mas break…?_

“Damn it, Natasha!” He yelled, slapping a hand over his eyes in embarrassment.

“Text him back, dumb ass.” She replied, and damn her he could hear the smirk in her voice. Did she enjoy torturing him?

Bucky let out a frustrated grunt, flipping over and pressing his face into his pillow. If he weren’t so scared of her, he’d chuck his phone out at her.

His phone tinged again and he was hesitant to read the message, but of course curiosity – and lack of oxygen – forced him to lift his head and look at his phone.

_If you’re using me to get out of going to your folks place for break like last time, then we’ll have to make some sort of “loners on campus” meeting where we all eat pizza and watch Netflix for the entirety of the break._

Smirking, Bucky typed out a response, pressing send before he could lose his nerve.

**Actually, I somehow got convinced into going up to spend the break with my parents. Don’t ask how because I don’t even know what happened myself. Any way you’d want to spend three weeks stuck with me and my family in New York?**

Steve texted back almost immediately with-

_NY, NY!_

Followed by-

_That sounds great! When are we leaving?_

Bucky blinked, reading and rereading the message again and again. He was sure Steve just wanted a chance to get away from campus for a little while and it had nothing to do with him.

Either way, Bucky flushed as he typed out a reply.

**We leave Saturday morning. You can spend the night Friday because we’re going to have to leave early.**

Steve sent a ‘thumbs up’ emoji back to him.

Bucky smiled to himself as he got up and walked back into the kitchen where Natasha had abandoned half of her croissant and was flipping through channels on the TV in the main room.

“So, you’re a completely uninterested third-party that just so happens to send text messages to spur communication between the other two parties.”

Nat raised one perfectly sculpted eyebrow, “I cannot confirm nor deny that a text was sent from my phone to one of the other two parties you speak of.”

Bucky let out a short laugh, “You’re going to be a great agent one day.”

From personal experience, Bucky had little respect or faith in any form of law enforcement or military authority, but he knew that Natasha would be able to make a difference and reform wherever she chose to go.

“I think you’d be a good spy.” She said conversationally, changing the channel once more, “You’re pretty damn good at hiding shit from everyone, even yourself.”

Ignoring the strange pit in his stomach at her words, he decided to combat it with sarcasm, “Wow, that was really deep Tash.” He said quickly, grabbing his phone for what seemed like the millionth time that day, “Now, thanks to you, I have to call my Mom and tell her I’m bringing a guest.”

Natasha laughed as she finally settled on a show and sunk down into the couch cushions, “Have fun.”

Bucky grumbled to himself as he dialed the familiar number. His Mom picked up on the second ring, “Please tell me you aren’t trying to back out now. I’ve already been making arrangements and –“

“I’m not trying to bail, Ma. Calm down.” He cut in, knowing he’d have to listen to a ten-minute rant for something that wasn’t happening, “I’m just letting you know I’m bringing Steve along, if that’s okay. I know you said that I could bring a –“

“I knew it!” His Mother exclaimed, “He’s bringing Steve, George!” She sounded far too excited…

He could hear his Father’s voice in the background, “Bucky’s secret boyfriend Steve?”

Secret boyfriend? “No, wait-“

“Yes!” Oh shit, “I was wondering when you’d bring him here! You spent every other break with his family, it’s only fair that we get to meet him!”

“Ma, he’s not-“

He literally couldn’t get a word in edgewise, “Don’t worry sweetie, we won’t scare him off. I’m so excited! I’ve got to go call your Aunt Addie and tell her the news! Talk soon, bye, bye!”

“MA!” His Mom hung up the phone before he could say another word.

Well shit.


	2. Chapter 2

_I never meant to start a fire_  
_I never meant to make you bleed_  
_I'll be a better man today_

After long consideration, Bucky has decided he wasn’t going to bring this issue up with Steve. There was no sense in making his friend feel any more awkward than he was sure he’d end up being.

Bucky paced his room nervously. He’d packed and repacked a dozen times, trying to make sure he had the best outfits set to go with him. And it was definitely not because he was trying to look good for his gorgeous, funny, incredibly nice friend. No, it wasn’t.

“-hope you’re cool with that.” Natasha’s voice filtered in before she did, dragging in a slightly bewildered Steve behind her.

Bucky gawked at her, “You didn’t.”

Steve rubbed embarrassedly at his neck, turning a few shades pinker, “So, we’re boyfriends?”

“Fucking hell, Nat!” Bucky stared daggers at her as she winked and flipped her fiery red hair over her shoulder proudly as she made her escape.

Steve, ever the nice-guy, just laughed it off, coming over to flop on Bucky’s bed beside him, “What, am I not your type or something?” He grinned cheekily.

Bucky slapped him in the shoulder, rolling his eyes as convincingly as possible to cover his unease, “Nope. Not at all.” He responded with a private laugh. 

And damn if Steve didn’t make himself even more adorable by pouting out his lips exaggeratedly, causing Bucky to want nothing more than to lean in and claim his mouth, “I feel like I should be offended.”

Bucky raised an eyebrow, “Well, if you agree…” He began, hating how awkward he sounded, “You can be my type while we’re at my parents house. Because they kind of think we’re dating. Have thought so for a while actually.”

Steve rolled onto his front, holding his chin in one hand and looking up at Bucky through his lashes. Did he even know what he was doing to him? “Do you talk about me a lot?”

“No.” He sounded defensive, which wasn’t what he wanted, “They must have gotten the idea because I kept telling them I was joining you for every holiday we’ve had off from school… for the past two years or so.”

Steve cocked his head to the side, sitting up, “I thought you were only doing that on Christmas break?”

“So you see the dilemma.”  
“Why didn’t you tell me you’ve been stuck here year-round? I would’ve offered for you to come hang out with me.” He sounded so genuine it almost made Bucky want to cry. Instead, he just shrugged because he didn’t really have an answer. It was mostly because he didn’t want any questions circulating about his reluctance to go back home.

The good thing about Steve was that he didn’t push. They’d known each other long enough that Steve always knew when to back off and it was something he valued in their friendship.

“Well, I know it’ll be beyond awkward for you and I feel bad for asking… but would you mind just pretending to be my boyfriend for a few weeks while we’re at my parent’s house? It’s a huge favor and I intend on paying it back. It will just help me out a lot so I won’t have to explain why I was spending all of my time with ‘just a friend’ when I should have been home.” Bucky explained in a rush, his eyes closed.

He let out a breath when he felt Steve pull slightly at his shoulder-length hair. Bucky glanced over at Steve’s warm, bright eyes, “Of course I’ll help you out, Buck.”

“Thanks, Stevie.” 

And just like that, everything was set.

So why did Bucky feel like this was going to end in disaster?

“Somehow,” Steve’s voice jolted him, but he was able to catch himself before he made a fool of himself, “this whole plan is making you seem more nervous than me.” 

“I’m not nervous.” It wasn’t a total lie, “I was just worried the whole thing would freak you out.”

“Consider your worries null and void.” He grinned, rolling off the bed, “Well, we better get some sleep. Long trip ahead of us in the morning!”

Bucky stood too, tying his hair back, “That is if you don’t sneak out after you finally come to your senses, ya punk.” He nudged him playfully and was brought up short when Steve grabbed his shoulders, holding him in place.

“I’m not planning on it, jerk.” He patted his shoulders before turning around and snatching up his bag, throwing it over his shoulder, “See you in the morning, my loving, perfect boyfriend.” Steve said over his shoulder as he sauntered out of Bucky’s room.

Bucky fell back onto his bed, staring at the spot Steve had just occupied.

He was so fucked.


	3. Chapter 3

_I’ll be good_  
_I’ll be good_  
_And I’ll love the world like I should_

 

 _Stop thinking of him as adorable, Buck._ He mentally chastised himself as he walked past an adorably – _stop!_ – past a sleeping Steve, curled on his side on the too small sofa, snoring softly.

Bucky ran a hand through his too long hair, heading into the kitchen to brew a strong cup of coffee. As soon as the familiar hum of the machine kicked in, Steve started to groan, rolling off the sofa with a thud.

He couldn’t contain himself as he burst into laughter at the sight of Steve tangled up in a blanket on the floor, looking bewildered as hell. As soon as he got his bearings, Steve glared his baby blues at him, looking about as menacing as a golden retriever, “It’s not nice to laugh at your significant other when they fall, jerk.” He shot, completely unaware of how close Bucky had come to choking on a sip of his coffee, “Can you pour me some?”

Bucky shook himself and did so, handing the steaming cup off to Steve, “We oughta leave soon.” 

After a few minutes of bickering about who was going to shower first, Natasha beat both of them to it, naturally. 

It didn’t take them long after to double check their bags and be on their way.

It also didn’t take long for Steve to start complaining.

“So, it has been two hours. Only two hours? Stupid metro traffic.” Steve threw himself back into his seat, dramatically draping his arm over his eyes, “Woe is me.”

Bucky just rolled his eyes with a smirk, weaving around a car going too slow for his liking, “Actually, you’ve been asleep the moment you got in the car. We’re really four hours in.”

“I’m pleading the fifth. I have no recollection of that.” Steve defended, crossing his arms with a yawn, “Want me to drive some?” He offered.

“I’m good for now. Maybe we can stop off soon and get some breakfast. Stretch our legs.”

That got Steve excited, “Thank god, I’m starving!”

A few miles down the road, Bucky took a visitors exit after crossing the state line into New York. His stomach was already twisting in knots being this close to home.

“You okay?” He could hear Steve’s voice, but if he opened his mouth, he didn’t think he’d be able to contain the bile rising up his throat, “Buck?” He pulled off into the first parking lot he could, before jamming his foot on the break and shifting into park. A hand – _Steve’s hand! It’s Steve_ – was shaking his shoulder, but he couldn’t bring himself out of his panic.

He tried in vain to get his shaking fingers to unlock his seatbelt, the strap feeling too constricting across his chest. He needed to get into the fresh air. He needed- 

Steve’s face came into view, his blue eyes focusing straight at him. He leaned forward and pressed his forehead against Bucky’s, rubbing his hands on his shoulders to try to loosen the tense muscles there, “Buck, can you hear me?”

The only thing to make it passed his lips was an embarrassing whimper. Steve’s going to think he was a freak and leave and then he’d be alone in that place for weeks and-

“Hey, I’m with you, okay? I’m right here.” Could Steve read minds? “Just breath with me, alright Buck? Like this.” Steve carefully took his hand and put it against his chest, taking exaggerated breaths. Eventually, he was able to calm down enough to slump back into his seat, exhausted. He thought he’d gotten in control of his anxiety attacks, but of course, like always, he was wrong.

He jumped slightly when the sound of a horn blared. It was then that he realized that in his attempt to calm him down, Steve had practically climbed on top of him and had hit the car horn with his butt.

“Shit, sorry, shit, shit-“ Steve clambered back, knocking his head on the roof before finally falling into the passenger seat, shaking the car. To his surprise and Steve’s, Bucky actually let out a chuckle at that. Steve blinked before smirking, “Why is it that you find me being a klutz humorous?” 

“Because you look like some sort of super soldier and seeing you be human like the rest of us is refreshing.” He deadpanned, finally beginning to come back to himself.

Steve rolled his eyes before becoming serious, “You okay though?”

“I’ll be good.” He looked away from those enchanting eyes to see they’d landed themselves in an IHOP parking lot, “IHOP it is.”

Steve looked about to press the issue, so Bucky quickly escaped the confines of the vehicle, making the short trek over to the restaurant with Steve on his heels.

Once they were seated, a nice young lady bustled over, leaning over the table to give the two a front row view of her breasts, “What can I get the two of you.” She raised an eyebrow, brown eyes flickering between the two of them before staying on Steve. 

_Figures._

“Just a coffee, thanks.” Bucky said, resisting the urge to roll his eyes when she didn’t spare him a glance.

“And for you, hun?”

Steve raked his eyes over the menu before ordering, “I’ll have the smiley face pancakes with a side of bacon and eggs with cheese and also some hash browns. Can you double that order so it’s two of each, please?”

The waitress wrote the order down on her notepad before slipping a paper in front of Steve, “I’ll put your order in right away.” She winked before sauntering off, swinging her hips.

Bucky snagged the paper from in front of Steve, opening it up to a phone number with a little heart and the name Marie, “She was… blatant.”

Steve shrugged, “She was rude. She didn’t even look at you.”

It was hard to hold back the blush at Steve’s words, spoken so nonchalantly. This was going to be a problem, “I think we ought to lay down some ground rules if we’re gonna survive three weeks with my parents thinking we’re together.”

Just then, the waitress – Marie – came back and set down Bucky’s coffee with a little too much force, “Oh, so that’s why you weren’t paying any attention to me. You’re queer.”

_Wow. Wasn’t expecting that._

Steve’s brow furrowed as he quickly reached across the table to grab Bucky’s hand, “Sure are. Aren’t we, babe.”

“Queer as a three dollar bill.” He chipped in, smirking at the look of disappointment mixed with a hint of discomfort as she turned on her heel and stomped off.

“Well, according to her, we just look gay. I don’t think we’ll have any problem convincing your parents since they already think we’re together.” 

Bucky sure hoped he was right.

Steve’s food came out of the kitchen quickly, it took three people just to bring it all out. Bucky laughed at the triumphant face Steve was beaming until Steve started to push half of the food over to his side of the table.

“Was this planned?” Bucky asked, suddenly hungry. Steve looked up, cheeks full with pancakes as he plastered an innocent face on and shook his head, “Somehow I don’t believe you.” He said as he picked up a piece of bacon.

Bucky managed to eat about half of his side of the meal while Steve polished off all of his food and was in the process of helping himself to the rest of Bucky’s eggs.

They paid the bill up front and walked back out to Bucky’s car. He knew that they needed to get going, but he couldn’t make himself put the key in the ignition. Steve didn’t say anything or try to hurry them up. He seemed to understand that Bucky was having a hard time going back home, and he was thankful that he didn’t push him.

Eventually, he built up the courage to start the car and pull out of the parking lot. They were about half an hour from his house and he found himself going the exact speed limit. All too soon, his house came into view at the end of the cul-de-sac. 

“This is it.” Bucky announced, trying in vain to conceal the way his voice shook. He shouldn’t be this nervous.

“Alright, time to commence boyfriend mode.” Steve smiled, jumping out of the car and running over to Bucky’s side to open the door for him.

Bucky got out and nudged him, “We’re going for realistic, not fantasy.”

“It’s called chivalry, Google it Neanderthal.” Steve shot back, shutting the door with a huff.

They hadn’t even gotten all of their bags out of the trunk when his Mom came running full tilt out of the house, screaming for her baby boy.

“Here we go.” He warned.


	4. Chapter 4

_I’ll be good_   
_I’ll be good_  
 _For all of the times_  
 _That I never could_

 

“James!” His mother cried out, clinging to him in a sobbing mess.

Steve let out a snort, mouthing the word ‘James’ at Bucky. No one was allowed to call him James except his mom who blatantly refused to acknowledge his “childish” nickname.

Bucky narrowed his eyes at Steve in warning and he had the audacity to waggle his eyebrows before clearing his throat, “Hi, ma’am.” Bucky’s mom pulled away, looking as if she’d forgotten Steve was there at all, “I’m sorry we haven’t met sooner, but I’m Steve, James’ boyfriend.” He introduced himself, sparing Bucky a shit eating grin at using his first name, “It’s a pleasure to finally meet you.”

He held out a hand, which his mother ignored, pulling him into a tight hug, “First off, call me Mary. Secondly, there’s no need to be so formal, Steve. You’re practically family!”

“Ma.” Bucky hissed, trying in vain to get control of the situation, “Let’s go inside, yeah?”

“Oh, honey, don’t be modest.” His mom chastised, not getting the point at all, “You’ve been together for what – two years?”

Bucky slapped a hand over his eyes just as Steve responded, “And counting!” All enthusiastically, the little shit.

His Ma raised an eyebrow at him, “Two years – I’m sure you’ve already had the marriage talk.”

“I’m going inside.” Bucky announced – perhaps too loudly. He hiked his bag up onto his shoulder and practically jogged inside, ignoring the soft chuckles coming from behind him.

He hesitated momentarily before crossing through the threshold, feeling almost as if there were an invisible force field hindering his advance. After a deep breath, he pushed himself forward, shuffling back down the familiar hallway to his old bedroom. 

“Hey, kid.” Bucky jumped, dropping his bag in front of his door at his Dad’s voice, “Still skittish as ever.” He shook his head with a fond smile. God, if he knew why he was like this…

“Hey, Dad.” His Dad came in for one of those awkward man hugs with all the macho patting that covered the fact that they both just needed a normal hug.

“You must be Rogers, huh?” Bucky pulled away from his Dad and looked over his shoulder to see his Ma leading Steve down the same hall. Where exactly did she think she was taking him- Oh no…

Steve nodded politely, “Yes sir.” His Dad seemed to appreciate the formality, not offering another name to go by. Bucky knew he would eventually, but he was just testing Steve now.

There was a beat of silence before his Dad opened his mouth to say, “You know, you don’t look gay.” 

“Jesus, Dad.” Bucky legitimately thought that he’d die right then and there. 

Luckily, Steve being Steve wasn’t so easily flapped, “To be honest, sir, ‘gay’ doesn’t have any specifications as far as looks.” Steve replied coolly 

Another test, and Steve apparently passed with flying – rainbow – colors when his Dad grinned, “Good man.” He approved, “I’m still getting the air mattress.” 

Ma gestured towards Bucky’s door, “You’ll be staying in here.” She grinned.

His Dad scratched awkwardly behind his neck, “Guess I’ll go dig up the old air mattress.”

Three people spoke at exactly the same time.

Steve said, “That sounds good.”

Just as Bucky cut in with, “I’ll help get the mattress.”

And his Mother said, “You think they don’t sleep together anyway?”

This was a mistake. A huge, irreversible, mistake. If he just admitted that he and Steve weren’t together, he risked either pity or humiliation – most likely a combination of both. But if he just went with it, he risked his friendship with Steve and their sanity for the next few weeks. 

It was a lose-lose situation.

“James, why don’t you give Steve here a tour of the house?” His Mom smiled, retying her apron, “I’m just finishing up making lunch. It’s pot roast in the crockpot, so even I can’t mess that up.”

With that, both his parents disappeared, leaving Steve and Bucky standing alone in the hallway.

“Sorry.”

Steve shrugged, “What’s there to be sorry ‘bout? I think your parents are cool.” He let himself into Bucky’s room, scoping it out, “You have a My Chemical Romance poster?”

“Don’t you judge my teenage self.” Bucky defended, kicking his bag into the room and standing uncomfortably in the corner.

He didn’t notice that Steve had been watching him until he was suddenly right in front of him, “You ever gonna tell me why you don’t like coming back here?” He asked. It was so genuine, Bucky almost felt the urge to just spill, but he clamped down hard on the inside of his cheek instead, “I might be able to help if I knew what the problem was.” He offered.

Bucky walked further into his old room, making an attempt to look less uncomfortable that he’d apparently been, “I’m good. Thanks.” 

“James!” Bucky spooked for the third time that day and damn it he wasn’t going to fucking survive, “We’re going to have to order pizza. I managed to mess up the crockpot pot roast.”

“’Kay, Ma.” He called back, forcing his tightened fingers to loosen. Steve was watching him again in a weirdly analyzing way, “What?” 

“Just tryin’ to figure you out is all.” 

Bucky fell back onto his bed, leaning his head against the backboard, “You’ve got a ways to go, pal.” He deadpanned.

“Was that a challenge?” Steve raised an eyebrow, jumping onto the bed so hard, his body actually lifted from the mattress for a split second.

Bucky was about to retort, but he was having a hard time breathing with Steve so close to him. Why was he so close?

“I’d say get a room, but we don’t have a guest room so…” His Dad was standing in the doorway, the air mattress slung over his shoulder.

Steve immediately rolled off the bed, helping to lay out the mattress beside Bucky’s bed as if nothing had happened. 

Did he imagine that electric current moving between them?

There was always a weird, sexual tension between he and Steve – Bucky had always just assumed Steve was straight and thought it was just him… but now he wasn’t sure.

Either way, whether Steve was straight, gay, or in between, he knew that relationship wise, Rogers was way out of his league. 

Regardless, Bucky allowed himself to check out Steve’s perfectly round ass as he kneeled down and plugged in the air machine.

Once the air mattress was filled, his Dad went to fetch some clean linens from the closet and began tossing them to Steve to put on. 

Just as Steve had finished, the doorbell rang, causing Bucky to flinch.

His Dad stared at him for a full thirty seconds – not that Bucky had been counting – before furrowing his brow, “Have you managed to get even more panicky since you left?”

Bucky’s mouth went dry. He never knew what to say when people were so direct with him, especially his parents. Usually they just – for lack of a better word – ignored his jumpy disposition, writing it off as ‘just Bucky being Bucky’. 

But now his Dad was looking at him, waiting for an answer. 

“He gets like that when he’s tired.” Steve jumped in, nudging Bucky lightheartedly, “We woke up pretty early and traffic was a mess in DC.”

His Dad seemed to accept that answer, “Well, why don’t you two rest up some and come grab a slice when you’re ready.” 

“Sounds good, sir.” 

After a beat, “Call me George.” His Dad then walked out of the room, leaving his door at a crack behind him.

“I’ve passed.” Steve said, disbelievingly, “That was quick.” He crouched down and laid down on the mattress, making it squeak under his weight, “This is gonna be annoying.” Purposefully shifting around, he made the most irritating noises known to man, “Your parents are going to think we’re fucking in here.”

Bucky let out a burst of laughter, imagining his parent’s faces, “You know what we’re gonna have to do, right?”

Steve poked his head up, resting his chin on Bucky’s bed with a devious smirk, “Oh, yeah.”

He leaned up and reached across, grabbing Bucky around the waist, dragging him down onto the air mattress where he landed directly on top of Steve with a huff. 

Unfortunately, the old mattress wasn’t able to hold both their weights and it popped with a burst of loud air. 

Within seconds, his parents barged through the door, eyes wide and worried… until they saw the compromising position which had Bucky all but sprawled on top of Steve, both of them on top of a broken air mattress.

“Really?” His Dad groaned, averting his eyes with the shake of his head, “I was gone for less than five minutes.”

Bucky quickly scrambled off of Steve, knocking himself hard into his bookshelf, “It’s absolutely not what it looks like.”

“Sure it isn’t sweetie.” His Mom smirked with a wink, pulling his Dad out of the room and actually closing the door this time.

The two of them sat on the floor for a few minutes before Steve finally broke the silence, “Your Mom really wants us to fuck.” Bucky was as surprised as Steve was, “Guess I’ll just have to sleep in your bed for the break.”

He wondered, not for the first time, if Steve knew what he was doing to him.


	5. Chapter 5

_My past has tasted bitter_   
_For years now_   
_So now I wield an iron fist_

 

“So. Two years, huh?” Bucky’s Dad started, slowly chewing a bite of pizza as he analyzed the two of them, “That’s quite a while.”

Steve perked up, wiping his hands off on a napkin, “Yes, sir.” He grinned.

Bucky internally groaned, knowing where this was leading. His mom cut in with a wicked smile, “What the old man’s trying to say is that you two don’t really act… couple-y.” 

“That’s not even a word, Ma.” Bucky muttered, slowly picking the crust of his pizza into crumbs.

His mom scoffed, “You know what I mean.”

Steve, bless him, was able to come up with a legitimate answer to help their story, “Well, I – we didn’t want to… be too forward with any PDA. We know it can sometimes be uncomfortable.” Steve reached out quickly and took Bucky’s hand in his, causing him to blush scarlet.

Bucky’s mother grinned widely at the gesture, “Oh, please don’t tone anything down on our account. We’re totally open to it all. We just want to see our boy happy.”

“Ma.” Bucky ducked his head, shoving his uneaten food away.

His dad raised an eyebrow, “Not hungry, kid?”

Steve, who was still holding his hand, turned concerned eyes on him. 

“We ate a big breakfast before getting here.” He explained, stifling a yawn.

“Honey, you look dead on your feet. You two go rest up, we don’t have anything planned for today.” His mom worried, running her hand over his long hair.

Bucky nodded without protest, feeling drained. Steve got up when he did, following him back into his – their – room. As he walked into his room, he found his eyes drawn into his open closet, memories flashing behind his eyes. His stomach clenched as he turned away, running right into Steve.

“Your closet personally offend you?” He joked, glancing over his shoulder to see what he’d been staring at – but Steve wouldn’t be able to see the long forgotten noose that had hung there not but a couple years ago…

_Not again._

Bucky tried to self soothe, but it wasn’t working. He’d been doing so well at school, he had only had a couple of these attacks… but twice in one day? 

“Bucky?” Steve’s concerned voice was but a hollow tone in the background of his racing pulse. 

_No, not again. Not again. I can’t – I can’t –_

“Shit, Bucky, calm down. It’s okay.” 

Bucky couldn’t focus on anything other than trying to keep his breathing under control. God, he was so fucking weak. How could he let this happen? He stumbled to the side, catching himself heavily against his bookshelf as Steve continued to try to talk to him.

Worried that his parents might hear what was going on, the part of his mind that was still functioning right forced his shaking limbs to bring him into the bathroom where he collapsed against the tile. 

“James?” Fuck. His Mom’s voice was coming closer. Steve was hovering near him, his hands resting firmly against Bucky’s shoulders, “James, you two okay in there? Your Dad said he heard something…”

Bucky managed to point at the door, eyes wide as his panic grew in his chest. Steve thankfully understood and he quickly shut the door. Thinking on his feet, he also spun around and turned on the shower as well.

He flinched at the knock on the door. Steve was kneeling in front of Bucky, hands resting on Bucky’s drawn up knees, “Yes?” He called over the water.

“Oh, just checking on you two. We thought we heard some commotion so I wanted to… Anyway, we’re going to the store to pick up something for dinner and we’ll be back in a couple hours. Sorry for interrupting your shower boys!” She chuckled, walking off. 

By the time Steve finally looked back at him, he’d managed to get his breathing somewhat under control. Steve’s lips were in a tight line as he reached out slowly to wipe at the wetness underneath his eyes. Shit, had he been crying? 

“S-should’nt have come back here.” Bucky muttered under his breath. He furiously wiped at his face, angry at the weak child he’d become. It’s not like it had happened in this house… Bucky looked into Steve’s worried blue eyes and he knew he had to set him free. It wasn’t fair to ruin Steve’s entire winter break, “You don’t have to stay, you know.” 

Steve furrowed his brow, looking genuinely confused, “What? What’re you talking about, Buck?”

“You didn’t sign up for-“ He gestured at himself in his pathetic state, “All of this. I-I should have told you about it before… but I never thought it would get this bad. I thought I had it under control.”

“Bucky, it’s not your fault.” Steve cut in before Bucky could say any more, “Natasha might have mentioned that you would be having a harder time coming back home than you let on, so I was kind of prepared.”

Bucky ran a hand through his hair with a sigh, “’Course she did.” He couldn’t help the tiny fond smile that came to his lips as he thought of his friend, “A-and could you keep this between us? The whole… panic attack scenario? My parents don’t really know about it.”

“How long have you been having them?” Steve asked softly, rubbing his thumbs against Bucky’s knees.

“A few years. They were really bad aft- at first… but I learned to get a handle on them.” 

He could tell that Steve wanted to ask more, but instead, he stood up and offered his hand to help Bucky up, “If you’re able to, try to let me know when you feel one coming on… Maybe I can help so it won’t get so bad.” 

Bucky’s throat got tight at the sincerity in Steve’s voice, “I’ll try.” He managed, going over and flopping down on his bed. He felt the mattress dip beside him before Steve’s body practically clung to his side, “I’m not into clingy boyfriends.” Bucky deadpanned, feeling more like himself as he tried to fight back the blush that quickly rose to his cheeks.

“Shh, I’m hugging you.” Steve clenched his muscular arms around his body, holding him tightly, “It’s only awkward if you don’t hug back, Buck.”

With a less than reluctant sigh, Bucky hesitantly wrapped his arms around Steve, allowing himself to believe that this was real, just for a brief moment. He was about to let go when he heard Steve start to snore against his chest. 

“Steve?” His answer came in the form of a soft groan of annoyance, followed by another snore, “You were awake literally two seconds ago.” Bucky rolled his eyes, deciding to enjoy the moment while he could. He bit his lip, tucking his head against Steve’s shoulder, “Punk.”

“Jerk.” Steve muttered, causing Bucky to go still, but the other man didn’t move from his position. Bucky would have thought more on that, but he was too exhausted to care. Instead, he just made himself comfortable and let sleep take him.


	6. Chapter 6

Grace is just weakness  
Or so I’ve been told  
I’ve been cold I’ve been merciless

 

It was dark outside and Steve was snoring loudly in his ear. Bucky leaned back slightly, only to be pulled back into Steve’s chest with a tired grumble coming from the other man. Bucky’s lips turned up in a whisper of a smile, letting himself revel in the comforting embrace. 

He’d actually slept for a long time without being awoken by any nightmares, which surprised him. He had assumed that he would be victim to the terrors in his dreams after the dual panic attacks he’d suffered through earlier, but it seemed that life had decided to grant him a pardon – if only for a few hours.

“Buck?” Bucky blinked up to see Steve looking at him with tired, lidded eyes, “Did we seriously sleep through dinner?” He pouted, stomach grumbling as punctuation.

Bucky rolled his eyes, trying to go for nonchalance after being caught curled up against his best friend’s side, “Let’s go forage.”

With that, Bucky pulled away from Steve and he felt frozen being apart from his fake boyfriend’s warmth. He really needed to get his shit together; Steve was his friend and nothing more. Getting attached to him in any other way would no doubt end in heartache… Something he really didn’t need to add onto the already large pile of crap he had to deal with on a daily basis.

“I can see the hamster wheel turning in your head, Buck.” Steve assumed in that damn caring voice of his, raising an eyebrow at him as they walked into the dark kitchen.

Bucky shrugged off his comment, “Just contemplating what to eat.” He lied, wondering whether he was a very convincing actor – to which he put stock in since not even his parents often noticed what was going on with him – or Steve was just super hungry and didn’t question him. 

Either way, Steve didn’t respond as he began rummaging through the refrigerator. Bucky pulled the hairband off his wrist and tied his hair up into a messy bun while leaning against the counter and enjoying the view as Steve bent over to search the freezer, “Buck?” Bucky blinked, cocking his head to the side to see what Steve had retrieved from the very back of the ice.

It was a pint of vanilla ice cream, abandoned and forgotten in the very back of the freezer with a serious case of ice crystals coating the entire thing, “Looks like its seen better days.” Bucky noted, raising his eyebrow as Steve went over to the sink and began chipping away at the frozen exterior.

“Vanilla is vanilla, Bucky. I’m not passing up ice cream. Now fetch me a couple spoons.” He joked, flicking his wet fingers at Bucky.

“Aye, aye, Capitan.” Bucky gave him a parody of a salute before grabbing two spoons from the drawer.

Steve grabbed the spoons from his hand, holding the ice cream close to his chest, “Sarcasm will get you nowhere, Barnes.” He narrowed his eyes before making a show of brushing past him into the den.

Bucky grinned, chasing after him and tackling him down onto the sofa, trying in vain to reach the spoon that Steve was holding just out of his reach. He was so busy laughing and playing around – enjoying the freeness and easygoing way they just meshed – he didn’t notice Steve was no longer trying to play keep away. When he finally pried the spoon out of Steve’s hand, he sat back, noticing that Steve was now looking up at him with an unreadable expression on his face.

Stumbling back quickly, Bucky sat on the other side of the couch, mortified. They’d never had any problem with being physical in their friendship, so doing this sort of thing wasn’t exactly out of the norm… but maybe after having woken up tangled up together in the same bed weirded Steve out. Pushed his carefree nature a bit too far in one stretch of time.

Fuck. He’d fucked up. Of course he had to go and-

Steve interrupted his self depreciation by hovering the now-opened pint of ice cream in front of his face, jiggling it a bit to get his attention. Bucky glanced over, noticing that Steve’s face had no trace of discomfort or aversion towards him, and he let out a breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding as he took the offered desert and dipped his spoon in.

Steve kicked his feet up, resting his legs across Bucky as he reached for the remote, “Please tell me you have Netflix.” He said as he turned on the TV, effectively ending the awkward silence.

They ended up deciding to watch American Horror Story, which turned out to be a huge mistake seeing as it was one in the morning and Bucky hated shows that had things jump out at him, but Steve had been trying to get him to watch the show with him for years and he finally decided to give in.

Most of the time he had his face hidden behind his hands, jolting each time something popped out. About half way through the first season, Steve had sidled up next to him, letting Bucky hide his face in his shoulder whenever he got freaked out – which was embarrassingly often.

“You do realize I’m going to get you back for this.” He warned after one particularly disturbing scene.

Steve tipped his head back and laughed, looking down at him with an amused grin, “Do your worst, Barnes.” 

Bucky narrowed his eyes, “I’ll figure something out.” He promised, suppressing a yawn, “Well, you go ahead and finish this episode up. I’m going to bed.” He announced, lifting himself off the sofa and stretching out his joints before heading towards his room.

He smiled mischievously to himself as he ducked into the closet across the hall from his room and sat down on the floor. Now, he just had to wait until Steve came to bed and he could exact his revenge.

Not but a few minutes later, the closet door opened and light streamed in, hurting his eyes. His dad stared down at him with one eyebrow quizzically raised, “Thought you came out of the closet a long time ago, son.” He deadpanned as he tried and failed to hide a grin.

Bucky rubbed his eyes, crawling out of the closet and into the sunny hall, “What time is it?”

“Seven-thirty.” His Dad stepped back as Bucky stretched out his kinked up muscles. How had he fallen asleep? Why didn’t Steve look for him?

One of those questions was answered when he followed his Dad back into the den, only to see Steve sprawled out across the sofa with the television still on and Netflix asking if anyone was still watching.

Bucky rounded the couch, sucking in a breath as he properly looked down at his best friend. The early morning light cast across his strong features, basking him in an ethereal golden glow. His long lashes fanned along the hollows beneath his eyes, full lips slightly parted as he slept. 

He pulled out his phone and snapped a picture, without thinking how creepy that would seem if Steve were to ever notice, but he was so taken with how stunning he was in that moment, not capturing the image seemed wrong.

“You’re too cute for your own good, James.” His mother cooed, sending him a wink when he quickly slipped his phone back into his pocket, “I expect you to print me pictures of the two of you from over the years that I can put into my photo album.” She said sternly, pointing a finger at him before turning to make her coffee, “How about you print some of your favorites at Target this afternoon while showing Steve around town?”

Shit.


	7. Chapter 7

But the blood on my hands  
Scares me to death  
Maybe I’m waking up  
Today

“Steve.” Steve’s brow furrowed at the nuisance, swatting away the poking finger from his ribs, “Steeviee.” The same voice cooed before he was suddenly struck with a firm pillow, “Steve!”

Steve startled awake, wiping the sleep from his eyes as he stared up at Bucky, fully expecting a shit-eating grin to be on his face and totally surprised to see barely concealed panic in the grey-blue depths, “The hell, Buck?” He scratched his neck, feeling the tightness in his muscles from sleeping on the couch all night.

“Come on.” Bucky grabbed his hand and yanked him up, dragging him to his room. Steve blushed scarlet when he heard Bucky’s mother let out an unabashed wolf-whistle.

“What’s going on, Buck?” Steve asked once they were finally alone. He reached out to halt Bucky’s pacing, “Bucky?”

“We’re fucked.” He moaned, pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes, “Royally fucked, I tell you!”

Steve raised an eyebrow, “How so?” He felt like Bucky was probably being over dramatic – he was sure he wouldn’t have heard Bucky’s mom whistle at them if they had figured out this whole thing was a sham (and no, he was not going to admit to himself that he felt more than he was letting on… because there was nothing to admit… nothing at all… shit.)

“Mom wants pictures. Like, lots of them – spanning the years we’ve been dating. And group pictures we’ve been in with friends isn’t going to cut it. She’s going to want – like – couple-y, snuggling, pictures and I’m sorry, this is-“

Steve rested his hands on Bucky’s shoulders before he could work himself into a panic, “We can totally fake some pictures. It could actually be kinda fun!” Steve mused, running through different backdrops and costumes to wear. Bucky was staring at him with a strange look before schooling his features, thankfully looking more calm than he had, “Lets pack a few different outfit choices and head out. We need the places to look nondescript for occasions we’d normally have been out, like Valentine’s and birthdays.”

“How do you do it?” Bucky asked, shaking his head.

“Do what?”

Bucky didn’t respond as he turned to start grabbing different articles of clothing. Steve didn’t press, just did the same.

“Where are you two off to with all that?” Bucky’s Dad commented, glancing at the two of them over his morning paper.

“Best not be trying to skip town on us!” Bucky’s mom chirped.

“We’re just-“ Bucky made a vague gesture before shrugging, “We’ll be back.” He all but dragged Steve out of the house, not that he was complaining. Steve tried to hold back the strange pit in his stomach as he curled his fingers with Bucky’s. 

Get a hold of yourself Rogers! He’s just a friend damn it… You saw how shocked he was when you tried flirting with him! He isn’t interested. Think of this like a business deal – yes – just a… business deal. 

Fuck.

“Steve?” Bucky kept casting worried grey-blue eyes over at him when he’d finally found a parking spot in the Target lot, “You okay? Kinda zoned out there for the entire ride.” He shifted around in his seat, tucking his long hair behind his ears.

Steve shook himself out of his thoughts, bringing up a wide smile, “Yeah, sorry Buck. Just tired from sleeping on the couch all night. Don’t think I got much shut-eye.”

Bucky seemed to accept that answer as he fiddled with his phone, “Okay, so we’re going to need pictures that look like they span back a couple years.” He started to flip through the pictures he had on his phone, which… there really weren’t many. Most of the pictures were from parties where Steve had practically forced Bucky to attend. 

“Looks like we’re next to each other in most of these shots.” Steve observed, trying to hide his blush when he noticed just how close they always seemed whenever someone had stolen Bucky’s phone to take some group pictures. He decided to not linger on the thought that Bucky had kept all of these photos on his phone for so long.

Steve usually left his phone at home when he went out – preferring to enjoy the people around him and not be connected all the time – so he didn’t have much picture evidence of them hanging out.

“Maybe Tasha has some pictures?” Bucky mused, shooting their friend a text. 

Steve stretched in the small confines of the car, “Well, either way, we need some shots of just the two of us.”

Bucky nodded, biting at his lip before glancing down at his phone when a new message appeared, “Looks like Natasha found some-“ His eyes widened, a brush of pink appearing on his cheeks, “Scratch that. Make it a lot…”

Steve leaned over as Bucky scrolled through the several pictures Natasha had sent. Steve cleared his throat, “Wow. Am I really that handsy?” He joked, seeing at least one point of contact between the two of them in every photo… they looked like a couple.

“Yup.” Bucky replied with a snort, “Well, it looks like we won’t have to take as many pictures as I thought.”

“Guess not.” Steve attempted to keep the disappointment out of his voice.

“Let’s get going then.” Bucky unbuckled his seatbelt and got out of the car, “We’re going to need to have most of these be close up so Mom won’t be able to see where we are.”

Steve sauntered up to Bucky, leaning into his side, “Got it.” He wrapped an arm around Bucky’s shoulder, holding him as close as he dared. He noticed Bucky seemed to be shaking a bit, “You cold?” He asked, rubbing his hand over his shoulder.

“I’m good.” Bucky handed Steve the phone and they got to work.

Most of the pictures they took were relatively tame, looking like two buddies hanging out. Steve decided they’d need to get more creative if they were going to look like they’d been dating for years. 

Steve contemplated what to do as Bucky was finishing changing in the back of the car when an idea sprung. He grinned as Bucky walked over in just a plain white shirt with a light sweater, clearly just as cold as Steve was in his navy t-shirt.

Steve sat on the cold asphalt against the back of the car, Bucky reluctantly doing the same as he tied his hair up in a messy bun with one of the several hair ties he had around his wrist, “Why couldn’t the bike stand on its own?” Bucky raised an eyebrow, turning to look at him, “Because it was two tired.” Steve grinned a cheesy grin as Bucky smirked. He took a quick picture before moving on, “What do you call a lost wolf? A where-wolf.” 

Bucky closed his eyes with a small smile as Steve consistently took candid pictures, “What’s with all the lame jokes?”

“Why is Peter Pan always flying? He never-lands.” Bucky let out a laugh, shaking his head, “If you were a vegetable, you’d be a cute-cumber.” Whoa, he hadn’t meant to use that joke.

Bucky’s ears turned pink as he self-consciously tucked his head into Steve’s shoulder, “Funny.” He remarked, still not noticing Steve taking pictures.

He decided it was now or never – he might as well go for it since he didn’t want Bucky to be caught off guard if they had to do this in front of his parents. 

Steve gently took Bucky’s chin in his free hand and guided his face to his, laying a chaste kiss onto his soft, pouty lips. He had the sense of mind to capture the moment on the phone before pulling away, slightly star-struck.

Bucky blinked before noticing the camera Steve had been holding. He face dropped a fraction and before Steve could say anything, Bucky was standing up, dusting himself off, “Let’s get these printed out.” He said, grabbing Steve’s jacket and tossing it at him before pulling his own over his arms, “Nice job getting those candid shots.” He murmured before heading towards the Target entrance. 

“Bucky?” Steve called, furrowing his brow. Had he done something wrong?

Steve quickly got himself up and covered before jogging towards the store. When he walked in, he didn't see Bucky straight away. He walked over to the kiosk and plugged in the phone, printing off some of the pictures. He leaned against the counter as he waited, scanning the store for - oh, there he is.

Bucky walked over slowly, his hands tucked inside the sleeves of his jacket and his head down. Steve's gut clenched, feeling like he'd done something very wrong - what if he pushed the boundary too far? But, he was sure they'd end up having to kiss or something in front of Bucky's parents. They'd already mentioned something about their lack of physicality with each other... He should have asked first, but he was going for candid pictures! Damn it - he'd really screwed up. He ignored the fact that this clearly showed Steve that Bucky was not interested in him at all... because like he'd said to himself before, this was just a business deal between friends.

"Sorry." Steve said immediately, "I should have asked. I-" Steve grabbed for Bucky's hands, but his friend pulled back with a low hiss. His face was pinched with pain for a moment before he smoothed out his features, "Buck?" He stepped forward before noticing the smear of blood on his own fingers, "Bucky?"

Bucky seemed at a loss, taking a step back, "I-I'll meet you in the car."

Steve stared at the red on the pads of his fingers in confusion. He quickly wiped off the blood and paid for the pictures, jogging out to the car. Something was terribly wrong.


	8. Chapter 8

For all of the light that I’ve shut out  
For all of the innocent things that I doubt  
For all of the bruises I’ve caused and the tears  
All the things that I’ve done all these years

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Way to go, Buck. You just really know how to fuck up what could’ve been a perfectly good day. 

He just… God, he just couldn’t stop himself. For a second, for a moment of butterfly filled elation, he really thought that Steve – 

“Stop it.” Bucky growled into the empty car, curling in on himself.

Weakling. Stupid. Coward. 

“Fuck!” He slammed his fist against his thigh, hissing as he pulled at the fresh cuts he’d – impulsively, idiotically, insensibly – inflicted on himself. 

Is he really this fucked in the head? Was he insane or just… Just Bucky?

He was working on his breathing exercises he’d learned in a YouTube video when Steve finally came back to the car. He hesitated a moment before quietly opening the door and getting inside. Steve didn’t say a word, so Bucky took the opportunity to shift gears and get the hell out of there and get back home before Steve questioned him on the no doubt obvious blood stain on his shirt cuff.

The drive was thankfully quick and silent. For some reason though, his heart dropped as he pulled up his driveway. Without saying a word, Steve slowly took Bucky’s right hand off the wheel and held it firmly in his warm grip. 

Bucky stared straight ahead, feeling everything and nothing all at once. He wasn’t sure how long they sat there.

Steve was never this quiet. It both worried him and angered him at the same time. He wanted Steve to pull him close and hold him in his arms, but then push him away and scream at him that he is sick for doing what he did. 

The fluttering of curtains caught his tired eyes. He blinked once, twice, and then finally forced his body to move. Steve gently released his hand, causing it to go cold immediately. He didn’t allow himself to focus on that as he fumbled his way out of the car, careful to keep his left hand deep in his pocket.

He could feel Steve’s body heat radiating from behind him as he pushed open the front door. His mother smirked at him with a raised eyebrow, ready to pounce at the opportunity of embarrassing him in front of Steve, but as he raised his eyes to meet hers, her face dropped. The teasing glint in her eyes morphed into cautious worry and Bucky knew he must be out of practice.

“You alright, dear?” His mother’s bright blue eyes flickered over to Steve before returning to his face, “You look…” 

Bucky cleared his throat, pulling his face into a reassuring smile. Nothing too drastic, otherwise she’d know he was faking it, “I’ll be good.” He yawned for good measure, “Don’t know if Dad told you, but I fell asleep in the closet trying to scare Steve. So needless to say, I’m pretty darn tired.” He leaned into Steve’s side, feeling guilty for lying, but he needed to sell this.

Steve’s fingers curled around Bucky’s side, holding him even closer, “We were up late watching Netflix.” He supplied tensely, “Maybe we should lie down for a little bit?” 

The last thing Bucky wanted was to be alone with Steve when he was sure questions would arise. 

He could tell that his mother was disappointed. They’d hardly spent any time together. Bucky would just have to pull himself together for everyone’s sake, “If I end up taking a nap, I won’t be able to sleep tonight. Why don’t you show Mom those pictures we printed out and I’ll join you in a minute?” 

He deftly dodged any more questions, heading towards his bathroom. Bucky shut the door and locked it, resting his back against the wood for a moment before walking over to the sink. He glanced up at his reflection, letting out a sigh, “Time to pull yourself together, Buck.” 

With practiced ease, he took off his shirt and started cleaning the red lines along his wrist, bandaging them up before going in search of a long sleeved shirt. 

When he was finally presentable, he went back into the family room where Steve and his mom were sitting on the couch, laying out the pictures.

His mother cooed at the picture she was holding, “My James looks so happy.” She sniffed a little, almost as if she were on the brink of tears, “He hasn’t looked this happy in years.” It sounded like an offhanded comment, but it brought Bucky to a halt. 

All these years, he thought he’d been able to cover it up – whatever it was… his feelings? Either way, he had apparently failed and can add being a shit son to his ever-growing list.

Bucky took a moment to himself before plastering on a smile and sitting down beside his mom on the couch. He looked at the spread out pictures on the coffee table, noticeably lacking was the last photo they took – the one when Steve had kissed him.

Steve must have realized what it was that had freaked Bucky out. It – it wasn’t that he didn’t want to kiss Steve. God, he wanted to… It’s just that he knew it wasn’t real. Steve was just trying to get candid, couple-like pictures, but it felt all too real. Steve had a way of making him feel whole, like he was comfortable in his own skin around him. He hasn’t felt that way since… 

Bucky stood abruptly, startling Steve and his mom. He tried to give a reassuring look, maybe apologetic, he didn’t know what crossed his face as he rushed out of the room and back into his bedroom.

The memories assaulted him like never before, he found himself trapped in his own mind, in a place he’d tried to bury deep.

All he could see were scared, chocolate brown eyes latched onto his in the moonlight. All he could hear was the whooping and hollering of his fellow army ‘brothers’ as they corralled them into the alleyway after one of his so-called friends outed him. 

Why did Tyler have to follow them outside? Why didn’t he just stay in the bar like Bucky’d told him to?

Why couldn’t it have been him instead?

BREATHE.

Coming back was a mistake he realized as he came to, shuddering in someone’s strong arms. 

Steve.

“You’re okay, Buck. You’re safe. I’ve got you.” Steve’s voice soothed, running a hand through his hair.

“I’m sorry.” Bucky muttered, hiding his face in Steve’s chest.

The fingers in his hair paused before continuing, “Sorry for what?”

For making you pretend, for bringing you into my mess, for falling for you, “Sorry.”


	9. NOT AN UPDATE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **This is not an update

Due to the recent, awful events that occurred in Orlando, I have decided to put a hold on the next chapter. 

With the nature of the coming chapter, delving a little deeper into Bucky's past and what has happened to him, I do not want to post this chapter with respect to those that have lost their lives in Florida. I'm not going to give much more detail on what the chapter contains, but I feel it would be insensitive to post right after such a tragedy. 

My thoughts are going out to those that have lost their lives, and are currently fighting for their lives, in Orlando.

~LaurenEP18


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So sorry I took so long updating! I had some personal issues I needed to attend to and this story went on the back-burner… I hope you all enjoy the update!  
> ~L

Reluctant as he was to leave Bucky alone, Steve’s legs have cramped up from lying in the same position for so many hours after his friend had finally fallen asleep, and his muscles were twitching to be stretched out. 

He carefully maneuvered himself out from under Bucky, brushing his long hair out from in front of his face. With Bucky unconscious for the moment, he let himself indulge – though he’d probably regret it later – by pressing a feather light kiss to Bucky’s forehead. His lips lingered for a moment before he retreated out of the room and into the thankfully empty kitchen. 

Steve needed a few moments alone to try to process everything. 

He’d – god, he’d never seen Bucky like that before. Sure, Steve had seen him uncomfortable if he was cornered or in large crowds… but this was far worse. It was as if coming back to this place Bucky had called home had triggered him so badly, he’d come undone.

“Fuck.” Steve wiped at an errant tear, worried for this man he’d finally admitted to himself he was falling over the deep end for.

“Language.” Bucky admonished, coming around the corner with a weak, teasing smile that looked twisted and wrong.

Steve wanted nothing more than to wipe away those tear stains, bring back a genuine Bucky smile that lit up an entire room, pull him into his arms and shield him from anything that has ever hurt him, tell him that he could open up to Steve and tell him anything…

All that came out was, “That’s cute, coming from you.” Any attempt at a bantering tone fell flat, as did Bucky’s face.

Bucky’s arms were wrapped tightly around his body, almost as if he were hugging himself to keep everything together, “Sorry for… all that.”

“There’s nothing to be sorry for, Buck.” Steve said resolutely, taking a step towards Bucky as he contemplated the best way to broach one of the many topics he just couldn’t hold in, “Do you think… I mean, would you feel better if we headed back to campus?”

Bucky’s eyes were glued to the tile floor, “Yes.” 

Steve nodded, though he could tell Bucky had more to say, “But?”

The other man deflated, tucking his arms around himself even more, “I don’t want to disappoint my parents any more than I already have.”

“I’m sure they’d understand if you needed to leave.” Steve rested a hand on Bucky’s shoulder and almost as if he’d pressed a switch, Bucky dropped his head onto Steve’s shoulder, like he didn’t have the strength to hold it up.

Bucky shook his head, letting out a little breath that heated up his skin, “They think I’ve gotten over it…”

Steve wrapped his arms around Bucky, “Over what?” He questioned carefully.

“Just look up James Barnes on Google.” He said before pulling away and walking back towards their shared room.

He waited all of five seconds after Bucky had left the room to pull his phone from his pocket and bring up a search.

There were several search results, most of them having to do with some superhero or something, but then he found one that caught his eye.

Two U.S. Army Sergeants Cling To Life After Suspected Gay Bashing

Feeling sick to his stomach, Steve tapped on the article.

Early Saturday morning, a pedestrian came across the unconscious bodies of James Barnes and Tyler Camden in an alley outside of Hydra Bar & Grill. Both men were rushed to Shield Medical Hospital where they are being treated now. There is no word yet on the condition….

Steve backed out of the article, typing in Tyler’s name beside Bucky’s in the search bar.

He closed his eyes and set his phone down on the table when all the obituaries and donation links came up.

Jesus…

Steve had known that Bucky had been in the military before he enrolled at their university, but he never spoke about his time there. He never spoke about his past at all, actually. He always looked towards the future, it was something Steve admired about him.

He took some time to compose himself, trying to think about what to say. Bucky had basically given him the green light to learn about his past… but did that mean Steve could ask him about it?

Steve heard some rustling around signaling Bucky’s parents were beginning to wake up, so he made his escape back to their room.

Bucky was pulling a shirt over his head and Steve caught sight of scarring down Bucky’s side. 

Bucky self-consciously tugged at the material of his sweater before bowing his head so his hair fell in front of his face, “Did you, um…?” He made a vague gesture with his hands.

“Yeah.” Steve murmured quietly, “Was he…?”

Bucky nodded, biting harshly at his lips, “It was our first date.” 

“Buck.” Steve clenched and unclenched his hands, wanting to use them to hurt those sons of bitches, but also use them to somehow heal the man in front of him.

“It should’ve been me.” Bucky’s voice was barely over a whisper, but Steve caught his words.

Steve shook his head vigorously, “It shouldn’t have been anyone.” 

“It was my fault!” Bucky gritted out, “He’d just transferred over and I should have known to keep to myself… But I was cocky and full of myself, making a scene of asking him out in front of guys that I thought were my friends. I got him killed and I just feel so-“ He shook his head, sickening guilt covering his face. He cleared his throat, “Anyway, I got discharged cause they fucked up my arm too much, came back home for a bit, then enrolled in college.” He said in a hurry, no doubt leaving a lot out, “And bing, bang, boom, now I’m here and I can’t handle my shit.”

“Bucky, you’ve been handling it on your own for years.” Steve reminded him, inching closer, “But the thing is, you don’t have to anymore.” 

Bucky’s glazed eyes flickered up to gauge his reaction, as if thrown off at the notion of having someone help him. It broke his heart.

“I told my parents I didn’t know him well… That it was a coincidental thing that we were targeted.” Bucky admitted, “So they don’t know it’s my fault.”

“Buck-“ Steve sighed, “I can tell you that it wasn’t your fault until I’m blue in the face, but it won’t matter unless you believe it yourself. But know this,“ Steve steeled himself, taking Bucky’s face in his hands, “I’ll always be on your side.” 

He leaned in, pressing his forehead to Bucky’s. Bucky’s eyes squeezed shut, his fingers finding their way to tangle in Steve’s shirt, “You’re more than I deserve.” He muttered.

Before Steve could protest, Bucky’s mom called them in for breakfast. Bucky pulled back, as if stunned before he collected himself and gave Steve a small, thankful smile.

Steve vowed to put a full smile on Bucky’s face before they left.


	11. Chapter 11

Steve was literally a god-send. The man seemed to be inside his head, always knowing what Bucky was feeling and knowing how to counteract it.

Ever since Bucky let Steve into his world a few days ago – more so than he’d even let his parents in – he’d actually begun to feel strength enough to hold himself together. There’s something to be said for letting people in… but of course Steve only knew so much.

All of his clothes remained folded in his bag because he couldn’t stomach putting them away in his closet. Each time Steve opened it, he felt the air being sucked out of his lungs. Somehow, Steve noticed and began keeping his clothes piled on top of his suitcase instead.

Steve had slept on the couch for the past couple of nights, waking up extra early to be sure no one caught wind of it. Of all the things Steve did in an attempt to try to make Bucky feel more comfortable, that was the one thing that failed.

Bucky supposed that either Steve had somehow caught wind that Bucky liked him more than his said and didn’t want things to become too realistic for him, or he realized how fucked up Bucky was and was doing everything he could during the day to keep him from spazzing out and Steve needed the alone time after a long days work.

Everything seemed to be going as well as he could have hoped.

So of course he was tense, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

“FAMILY GAME NIGHT!” His mom hollered from the living room. 

Bucky and Steve had been hanging out on the couch watching some war documentary Steve had insisted on showing him when his mom skipped into the room, holding up the board game Trouble.

“You have a board game named after your son?” Steve asked, sending a cheeky wink Bucky’s way.

Bucky shifted himself off the couch, smacking the top of Steve’s head, “I think the game you’re thinking of would be Sorry.” He joked bleakly, earning a nudge from his mother.

“James.” She warned.

Bucky rolled his eyes, “I know, I know. You don’t appreciate my dark sense of humor.”

Steve came up and pressed a quick kiss to his temple, “Humor is relative, babe.” He quirked, making his mom coo embarrassingly.

Bucky came down from his shock quicker than he had the last time Steve had done this. It was always in front of his parents, so he was able to compartmentalize the feelings. Well, he tried to at least.

His dad came lumbering in and the game began. Steve was on a winning streak, so Bucky forced him to sit out on the next couple games. He actually found himself laughing and enjoying himself, which made him sit back and pause. 

Steve poked him with a socked foot, raising an eyebrow. Bucky tickled said foot in return, causing his mom to roll her eyes, “You two.” She said fondly, “Well, your father and I were planning on going to see a movie tonight. Did you boys want to join us?”

Bucky glanced over at Steve who shrugged, “Helpful.” Bucky snarked, earning a smelly sock to the face. Steve wiggled his toes in challenge, “You do remember that I said I’d get you back after you made me watch American Horror Story. Well, be sure to add this to the list.” He eyed him meaningfully, chucking the sock right at Steve’s grinning face.

“TMI.” His dad groaned, standing up stiffly.

“Oh, god, Dad. I didn’t mean-“ 

Steve started laughing, rolling onto his side on the couch. 

His mom shook her head, “We’ll be back in a few hours.” She hooked her arm around her husband’s and leaned down to pat his back, “Behave.” 

“Scout’s honor.” Bucky promised, waiting until they had closed the door behind them before pouncing on Steve, tickling everywhere he could.

“Okay, okay!” Steve whined, “Stooopppppp.” Finally, Bucky stopped, sitting back. Steve was staring at him, red faced and eyes shining. He wasn’t sure what made him do it, but he leaned down and pressed his lips to Steve’s.

He didn’t move at first, too shocked by his actions to do much more, but Steve pressed himself forward. Bucky’s eyes slid shut when Steve’s hands found his waist, pulling him in.

“Sorry, sorry, your father forgot his wallet.” He snapped back at the sound of his mother’s voice, barely catching the sight of her shutting the door behind her.

Is that why Steve-?

Buck scrambled off of Steve, hiding his face with a shield of hair, “Sorry.” He cleared his throat, picking at the hair ties covering his wrists.

Steve was staring at the door with a look somewhere between confused and upset. Jesus, Bucky had royally fucked up this time. Before Steve could come to his senses, Bucky escaped to the bathroom and locked the door. 

He paced back and forth in the small space, running his hands through his tangled hair, “Fucking hell, Barnes.” God, he was such an idiot! He’d probably just ruined his friendship with Steve because he went too far and-

“Buck?”

Bucky abruptly paused his pacing, hoping Steve would just leave him alone.

“Bucky, come on.”

Of course he should have known Steve Rogers wouldn’t let this go.

He dug his blunt nails into his skin, sighing as his skin split from the pressure, “’m fine, Steve.” He called out. 

“No, you’re not. I know you, Buck.” Steve tested the doorknob and damn it, he’d forgotten to lock the door.

Bucky sunk down against the wall, resting his head back against the tile, “No, you don’t.” He whispered.

Steve got on his level, reaching a hand out to rest on the back of his neck, “Can I tell you what I do know?” He waited, but Bucky couldn’t find it in himself to answer, “I know that you’re a kind-hearted, brave man who will do anything he can to protect the people he loves, even if it’s killing him inside.” Steve waited until Bucky met his eyes before continuing, “And I find myself to be the luckiest guy around to be counted as one of the people you care about.”

Bucky felt a shiver run through his body at the intensity buried in the blue depths of Steve’s eyes, “This is feeling too real.” He breathed, fingers tightening on the floor mat.

“How would you feel if I said I wanted this to be real?” Steve questioned, inching closer.

Disbelief clouded Bucky’s mind, “I’d say you were one stupid punk.” He surged up to meet Steve’s lips just as Steve dove down to kiss him.

Steve straddled his lap, commanding a kiss that left him breathless. 

All the while, Bucky kept wondering when that second shoe was going to drop.

========================================

So sorry I took so long updating this!   
I’m dedicating this chapter to my ferret Bowser who passed away a couple weeks before Christmas.

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is my first attempt at writing Stucky!  
> Also, this is my first attempt at uploading to Archive! I've posted several stories for other fandoms on FF.net with the same username if you want to check any of that out.  
> Please let me know if y'all like this story so far and if you think I should continue it!


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